Understanding my dislike of Kristen Stewart.

I have never seen a movie with Kristen Stewart in it. My awareness of her comes from interviews on talk shows, the internet, and Twilight schwag at my local grocer. Yet, after stumbling upon an article in the Huffington Post about the new On The Road movie, and seeing a photo of Kristen Stewart in one of the movie stills, I internally rolled my eyes, semi-disgusted by Stewart, in low-top Converse, crammed into a car with Sal and Dean.

Why do I feel this way? I don't know Stewart's work that well. She doesn't have the rap sheet of Gwyneth Paltrow, who has singlehandedly made raising a child look elitist. I couldn't let this go-----what is it about Kristen Stewart?

What I know of her are mostly from her appearances on Jimmy Fallon and Conan. During these interviews, she's both nervous and disengaged-----awkward, yet relaxed. Her answers are short. The conversations between Conan and the bored Stewart mirror a teenager trying to strike up a conversation with the prettiest girl in the school; while he's grabbing for straws, she's checking her watch.

Then it hit me: Kristen Stewart is too cool for school. This is why I don't like her.

So what is 'too cool for school'? Pat O'Br1en, a former teacher of mine and current SNL writer first introduced me to the phrase. He would use it when students weren't 'committing,' or would not participate in a silly choice their scene partner made. Speaking of SNL----Jon Hamm is probably the best SNL host right now. Why? Sure Jon has great comedic timing, but he's also not afraid to take chances and look stupid. His commitment to these bits are priceless. Now think: what if Jon Hamm didn't do SNL? What if he merely played Don Draper on Mad Men, and on his downtime, chose movie roles that were Draper-esque?

This is what bothers me about Kristen Stewart...the safe roles. I'm not talking about Twilight (although I could). I'm talking about movies like Adventureland, featuring Stewart playing a quiet brunette who works at a theme park, wearing ironic, trendy eighties clothing---all the while displaying her best emotion: bored. In the Runaways, she gets to play Joan fucking Jett. Joan Jett in her prime, New York, spiky hair, once again awesome looking punkish clothing.

And now we have On The Road. Stewart gets to hang out with beats and wear clothes she probably already knew she would look good in. I mean, even Gwyneth Paltrow wore a fat suit.

Let me reiterate: when I say 'too cool for school,' I'm not ripping on her acting range, I'm ripping on how she seems like that pretty girl on the back wall of an improv scene that's scared to be anything besides hip. Too me, she's the attractive girl in school that wasn't shy, but also didn't speak out. The type of girl who would go sledding with a bunch of classmates, but then not sled. At parties, she would put in a wallflower's effort, but her looks would attract conversations and repel her from the crown molding. The type of girl that's been called pretty too many times, and like a stone in a strong river, it has smoothed her out to a dull surface.

I knew these girls in school---not well though. They were hard talk to casually, always careful with their words. But every once in a while I'd see a girl like Kristen Stewart in the hallway, wearing a black Ramones shirt, wishing I could go up to her and exchange Joey Ramone impressions. But instead I see her as she wants me to see her---from a far---causing me to internally roll my eyes again, passing judgment on a girl I barely knew.